But last night, when I could not sleep, and this morning when I did not want to get out of bed, I felt empty. I felt heart-broken. I felt left behind. I felt like screaming. I felt like crying. Dying... or escaping. Taking up a new life. Overall, just wondering why I was not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I felt empty. How could I fill such a deep, empty void inside me? Something inside is terribly broken and in need of immediate mending. My heart has broken - has perhaps been broken for years - how can I mend such an agonizing pit of despair, reach out of a hole I'm falling down, and stand back up on my feet among a field of flowers and a sense of freedom? Depression is all too common to me and I am fighting with everything I have to stand high and not fall prey, yet again, to my darker self. Everything inside me is fighting to survive.
Last night I realized how long it has been since I've written. And I decided to try something new - express my feelings openly. Sometimes there is no one to talk to. Perhaps there is, but they've become busy. Or perhaps others would not understand. Or perhaps those who are there, you simply don't want to share with, and the one that you do, is the one who broke your heart. Whatever the reason, I have a need to express myself, a need to be heard. I've been silent for so long and need to release what it is I have inside me. Maybe then I can heal. Maybe then I can come to resolutions or see more to myself than what I see now - a sad woman - aching for a man she had to let go - aching for a life she does not have - feeling empty inside as she becomes older and fighting hard to not let go of her dreams, for if her dreams die, she as well will be laid down into her grave.
Where to begin? I'm in love with a man who loves me back but our situation and living conditions make it impossible for us to be together right now. The pain of "waiting" has become too painful over the years like an ever-penetrating blade, stabbing deeper and deeper. Then the question arises: is it more painful to wait or to leave? He is letting me go as I have let him go in the past. Yet I never really let him go, and now I realize this, and I am desperately trying to hold on to him as I fear losing him, just as he decided to now let me go. How funny is that? He is incredibly close to me in heart and soul. And the pain and reality of having to let go gives me an unbearable pain. I want to call him. I want to go to him, yet there is no solution, and nothing will change - just like in the past. How do I let go? How do I move on? Can I ever love a man again as much as I love him? Only time will tell?
But perhaps I am emptier than I thought. Why am I agonizing over a man? I love him, yes. And he's special. And even if I'm never with him again - he really set high standards for future men - a standard which will be very difficult to pass. But maybe that's okay. Maybe this is all happening for a reason. Because there are many other aspects of my life that are wasting away. One - my creativity. I have been gifted with a creative edge - something I've been reminded of all my life - yet I never seem to show for it. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I am my own worst critic. It's not only time to write again, so that I can hear myself, and think evermore clearly, I really must put my hands to action and CREATE! Whether it be digital (my latest hobby), traditional, or mask-making, so be it. This side of me is dying and needs to be rekindled.
Meanwhile I've been practicing martial arts - jiu jitsu - and now I've joined karate. Again, I am too harsh on myself - always expecting to do better - feeling like I'm not catching on fast enough - despite others telling me that I am doing well. Why do I do this to myself? Martial arts, art in itself, are passions of mine. Why must I destroy them for myself by subconsciously telling myself I'm "not good enough" when I know that I am and more. Maybe I need to learn to love myself. Maybe I need to appreciate what I love, dream and yearn for, and let myself chase it despite the consequences. Maybe I need to learn to live a little more. Maybe I need to tell that darker, critical self, to fuck off and let me think with ease. Maybe I need to truly believe I am more than I give myself credit for, for if I believe in myself to the utmost extent, won't I be willing to take myself to my limits? No longer holding myself back, no longer feeling like I'm wasting away because I simply fight for my dreams day by day and make use of every breathing moment to live life to its fullest? After all, that's all I want.
Belief in self - such a concept comes more clear the more one writes and reflects on his or her self. And the more I write my feelings, the stronger I am feeling this moment. Perhaps just writing these words re-aligns the energies in my body because things are starting to feel okay. The soul is hidden deep within the garbage of everyday life and perhaps it is words, art, creativity or spirituality that pops it back into place, so that its essence is felt above all else. Because I'd like to believe that nothing will ever knock me down, that no pain is too great, that there is always a path, a solution, a step towards greatness. And I have to believe that. I do not see any other way. If that's not the case, then what is the point?
I am here for a reason - whether I was put on this Earth by a force higher than myself or by my own soul's choosing... there is something here for me to accomplish. I cannot allow myself to fall victim to my own thoughts of inadequacy or fears of the future, because when I look at the whole picture, such thoughts are meaningless. I need to believe that I am connected to this world, despite its hardships, I belong here for the time being. I must listen and adhere to my heart, however sore, however painful, and listen, and weep, and listen, and gain focus, and listen, and gain strength and direction, for my heart is my compass - perhaps the only tool I need to attain my dreams, to accomplish what I need to in this life, and perhaps my stepping stone to the next.
I'm filled with sadness. My heart is broken. I work a job that does not reflect who I am, my talents or what I am capable of. School has put me in debt, and due to two years of depression/unforeseen hardships, my degree has taken me two years longer than it should have, further increasing my debt. Still, I do not know where my degree will take me and there is a lot of fear and uncertainty in that. I put my art aside to focus on grades/make money/focus on my well-being in the form of martial arts and healthier eating. I generally feel out-of-place. Disconnected from the rest of the world and people - a feeling that has contributed to anxiety and depression - all the while living in a society filled with corruption ... leading to misanthropy and hate. And words come to my mind:
Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?Answer.
- Walt WhitmanThat you are here—that life exists and identity,That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
It's time to listen to myself, even when I do not know how at times. It's time to write, to let myself be creative, for I am the most important person in my life and I need to recognize that. I need to be heard and listened to when no one else is around. I need to know I am always standing my ground and that I am consciously living each moment. I am here. I am alive.
How do I mend a broken heart? An empty void?
Open my heart. Open my soul. Let my passions flow within me. Let myself be heard. Express myself. Follow my heart. Listen to my heart. Reflect on my emotions even in the darkest moments. The self knows best. Believe in it. It will bring you through Hell and back. And it will give you the strength to walk into the light and the ability to appreciate all that you have done and all that awaits you.
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